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In re-living those memories, I know what you're thinking: how can a virgin suddenly become a hot vixen, showing off her body and being so worldly about sex? I can't explain it even as I think back to that summer. I knew I was changing. I remember that so clearly those final months of my senior year. I was fed up with my old self, but I didn't have a clue what I was going to become. I look back at my diary from those days and smile a little. So much was new to me!

July 18

Dear Diary,

What a fucking trip this past weekend! I'm still not sure exactly what happened. But I cant sit around and bask in the glow. I checked out CCs course list, how much it costs to go, when I could start, what I need to apply. Its like ive been hyped up on adrenaline.

Here's what I've learned so far diary: course are paid for by the unit - $100 each. A full load is 15 units. Getting in is pretty much just applying -- with my scores and GPA they'll probably wonder why I'm coming in the first place. But I don't want to go to the U...too far, too much money and I know what I want to do now -- I want to make porn videos.

There are a ton of classes that make sense. They expect me to get some kind of general ed in -- Reading,Writing,'rithmatic, and science, but here's what I figured out: No need for math -- got what I need from high school. Reading: Erotic Literature -- Origins Until Today -- satisfies English reading -- with some essay writing. Human Sexuality -- basic Bio class. Creative Writing -- seminar, Business Accounting 101 -- they've got a ton of business classes, and The Art of Video Production. Way more than 15 units -- closer to 23, but I can always drop some if it looks too tough.

I can't wait to get enrolled -- registration opens next week, classes start at the end of August.

Went back to work today. Tim played his part perfectly, tho' I was nervous as hell. I tried not to stare at him it was all I could do not look at his cock through his sweatpants. I don't think anyone noticed, except my team lead who was annoyed at my lack of attention.

I figure I can afford the books and most of the registration from this job, but I'll have to quit when school starts -- no way I'll be able to do all that and work. Got to break it to the folks -- I'm sure they'll be pleased I have a plan. I don't know if they'll be okay with my choice of school. I hope they'll let me live here without charging rent. I'm sure they will, but maybe not -- they've been acting so weird lately.

Without referring to the details in my diary, I only remember a blur of events. The excitement I felt at finally having a goal and knowing what I needed to do to accomplish it. The tension with Tim at work those last few weeks.

The first day back on the job, as my diary captured, was a tug-of-war between my curiosity and my need to keep Tim secret. It wasn't the hell the rest of the group would give us -- I could have taken that -- it was more the sense Tim would lord over me or somehow take advantage of me.

It went without saying he wanted to fuck me. That was an obvious development he not only hoped for, but expected. I wasn't sure if I wanted to pop my cherry for him. It wasn't that I wanted our relationship to be more romantic -- there was no way it was going that direction, or that I even cared if the guy who took it was someone I had strong feelings for. It was more manipulative than that. Machiavellian, although I didn't know that word until I'd taken Sexual Politics, 2nd semester.

I needed, or thought I needed at the time, more information from Tim on how to get started in the business, and I was counting on my virginity to help. I wasn't even sure he knew I was a virgin. It hadn't come up specifically. That first weekend I'd only been avoiding going to bed with him, but he never got a specific reason.

It only took about a week after our getting together before he finally made his move.

"Julie?"

I had just gotten home from work and was making plans to meet up with my friends when he called.

"Tim."

"Hey, Julie. I...we...shit. I was thinking we should get together and talk about what happened last week. Uhhh...we can't really talk at work, and I was kind of expecting you to call or something."

Something licked at the edge of my brain -- a sensation, a feeling. I've come to know it well since then, but I think it was the first time it happened. At least, I like to think it was the first time. I had the higher ground. I was in the negotiating position. It's a great place to be...in business, in bed...your partner, or opponent, is at a disadvantage and you get to make the move.

"Tim. Where are you right now?" I was standing naked in my room, fresh from a shower trying to figure out the best outfit for the evening. I looked over at the mirror, seeing my body like I had seen it in the movies and photos the week before.

"Where? At my place. Uhm...Why?"

"I'm in my room. I'm naked, Tim. Are you kolej escort naked? I'd like to think you're naked. Before I get dressed, could you get undressed, Tim?" I looked at a sheer white blouse and thought about whether I should put on a bra. My folks would die if they saw me in it without one...maybe a short jacket over the top.

"Whaaa? You're naked?"

Guys. You say 'I'm naked' and they sort of lose it. "Tim. Try to concentrate. I'm asking you to get undressed. Fast. Before I put my clothes on. Like last Saturday -- in front of your webcam. Show me." I walked over and flipped on my machine, entering his address. While it figured itself out, I turned back to the closet and looked at jeans.

I could hear him breathing and clothes sliding off. He didn't have much to remove. I was surprised he even had any on at all, but...whatever. The Guess would do nicely. I pulled them off the hanger and laid them on the bed, turning back to look at the monitor. God, that body. It made me tingle. Or maybe the fact he was undressing for me made me tingle. Sometimes I get confused between the power and the sex. His boner was just starting to lift and the smile on his face -- a mixture of lust and confusion -- was precious. I took a snapshot from the webcam and then I just left it on streaming record. It couldn't hurt if I needed it at work.

"Nice, Tim. I like."

I pulled on the jeans, no undies tonight. No bra. Commando. I could feel myself entering a new chapter and I was liking the feeling.

"What's happening, Julie? Are you busy tonight? Would you like to come over? I put together a highlight reel of some of the best work I've done. I thought you might enjoy it."

Weak, but definitely an idea to consider. For another night. "Tim. I've got plans and I've only got a few minutes, but I wanted you to get something straight for me." I slipped the top over my head and looked back at the image in the mirror. Fucking fantastic. His face in the monitor was even more confused. "Get it? Get something straight for me?"

He shook his head slightly.

"Your cock, shit head. I want to see your cock as hard as it can be. Last weekend was a gas, man. But the best part about it wasn't when you forced me to be naked, or forced yourself on me, or forced me to be videotaped. Or shoved your hard cock down my throat. Those were cool, and we should do 'em again. For me, the best was watching you cream. I've got about five minutes and I'd love to see you do that again."

"But, Julie. I...you were fucking yourself for me when I did that. It was beautiful, babe. I would stroke myself for you anytime you did that." His hand had drifted down to his cock, fondling his balls a little. "Why don't you show me that beautiful pussy of yours again so I don't have to imagine it." He started to run his index finger up the bottom of his shaft -- kind of unconsciously.

"Nice, Tim. It's getting hard just thinking about me being naked, eh? Keep it up. I know you'll be able to do it." I put the phone on speaker and sat down to do my face. Out of the corner of my eye I could see him stroking himself with a little more intent.

"Julie. We really should get together. I know you could blow the top off some of these sites. You've got something. I mean it." He closed his eyes and let his hand move a little more freely up and down his shaft. It was harder, but still not as stiff as he'd had it last week.

"Yeah? You said that last week. What have I got, you think?"

"I don't know...ahhh, how to describe it. It's a look, a naturalness. You look comfortable with your clothes off..."

I smiled. Yeah right. As long as you're holding a camera on me or your cock in my mouth. Natural my ass. I could feel the anger brewing again, taking care not to fuck up my eyeliner.

"You look pretty good right now, Tim. But you're not quite as hard as I remember you last week. You had a real steely when you had it in my mouth. Is that what you'd hope would happen tonight Tim? I'd come over there so you could fuck my throat again?" I tried to soften the words with a little husky tone.

He smiled a little. Still confused, my comments no doubt reminding him about my mouth and throat, the possibility I was pissed not occurring to him even a little bit. "Julie? I'd really like to see that beautiful pussy again. Are you dressed?" Still hopeful.

I had stayed off-camera, working my makeup. I wasn't about to get undressed again, and I knew he wouldn't need me to to jack off. He'd probably done it a dozen times in the past few days just remembering me. "Oh, Tim. I don't think you need to see me in the flesh. You've probably cum a dozen times just remembering my wide open beaver, stuck between the seats, or pressed against your kitchen counter. Yeah?" I didn't feel nearly as much bravado as I put into my voice, but I was pissed.

"Oh, god, you are such a tease...shit...shit, I'm going to cum..." He gurgled the last few syllables maltepe escort and I watched amazed as he shot his cream toward the camera, his eyes closed and face a portrait in bliss.

That sense of power got stronger and I could feel my own cream coming on. Without underwear it could be a messy evening. I grabbed a liner from my drawers and realized Tim had been talking to me.

"...would that work?"

I walked over to the screen, my pants unzipped and pulled open so that he could see my bush and the top of my slit, my attention on putting in the panty liner.

"Oh shit, Julie, that looks so fucking fantastic."

I widened my legs, bending my knees a little, more for my benefit, but I figured he'd appreciate the gesture, and patted the liner in place before standing back up.

"So, what dya say?"

He was obviously referring to whatever he'd said I hadn't heard. "I have no idea what you said a minute ago, I was distracted."

"I was saying we should get together...and I was wondering if you were busy tomorrow night."

I wasn't, but I wasn't ready to commit yet. I had a feeling things were going to get a little out of hand. One thing I was pretty sure about: he was tired keeping his thing in his hand. I smiled at my little joke. "Maybe. Maybe Tim. I gotta go, but I want you to know, I've got you on video. Nice hand job. Maybe we can talk about what amateur sites would use it."

"Hah!" He laughed but I could see a little alarm in his face. "If that's the way you want to play it, we can play it that way. Sure. Come on over and I can show you a few sites that would use that shit. Save it to a thumb drive if you're serious."

"I'll let you know tomorrow after I get up. See ya!" And I signed off. The last image is still burned in my brain: his cock, at half mast, sticking out of his pubic hair, a little drop of cum stringing down from the hole. Amazing.

* - * - *

I would like to say that I lost my virginity on a romantic date with a really cute guy. That we had been dating for a month or so and that he was gentle, kissing me softly on my face, his hands slowly traveling down my back.

I had played the scene in my head thousands of times, a vibrator on my clit: sitting on a sofa, or even in a car -- his hands slipping under my shirt, lifting it up to expose my breasts (no bra for sure). The awkward fumbling of zippers and buttons somehow not getting in the way as he finally had me completely exposed. The lust on his face as he worked his way down my belly, kissing my navel; his tongue darting into it to telegraph his intentions further south.

I can see myself stretched out on that sofa, or lying back in the bucket seat, somehow he could fit between my legs, my hands playing in his hair as he sucked on my pussy, pulling my juices from me. And then the moment of truth, as he rises up to look at me, his face shiny with my liquid, his cock peeking out between my legs.

The slow, gentle approach as his head slides into me, up against my hymen and then *pop* the momentary pain followed by the intensity of being filled and the sharp sting of his flesh rubbing against the fresh wound.

I laugh now at that memory -- I had cherished it for so many years, thinking it was the most romantic way to become a woman.

The way it happened was far less poetic, but no less intense.

Saturday morning I woke up late, having partied pretty hard the night before. My folks were already out doing errands, leaving me alone to think about Tim's invitation. There was no way I was leaving his house that night without him fucking me. I just knew he wouldn't take 'no' for an answer. Or maybe I was just tired of putting it off. He was everything I wanted -- well built, sweet personality, nice cock. Why was I even questioning it?

It was a matter of control and something else -- I really wanted something he had, and it wasn't just his cock. I knew my cherry was worth a lot to guys -- not so much to me really, but it seemed so important to some guys -- and I thought if I was going to lose it, I should be paid for it. I guess I really have always been a slut...or maybe just a cunning businesswoman.

I spent the morning nude, relishing my freedom in the house. Every time I passed a window, the reflection of my naked bush and breasts sent a jolt up and down my spine. I would stop every once in a while and slowly rub myself, increasing my need. Eating breakfast, I started sketching out some ideas for how to get the most out of Tim. The image of his cum shooting into me came to mind; I shivered a little at the thought of what I was toying with. Before the afternoon was out, I was so horny the thought of his cumming inside me was almost all I could think of.

He called just as I walked into my room from a shower -- it was a little weird -- two days in a row, but I put the thought out of my head. Standing naked with the phone to my ear, I studied the image of the woman mamak escort in the mirror. That same feeling of disorientation came back -- who was she? It couldn't have been me. As I talked to him, it was as if I was eavesdropping on somebody else's conversation.

"I bet you would," I heard myself say, draping the towel over the chair back. The woman stood in front of the mirror, leaning on one leg, her lean figure accentuating those full breasts. Those couldn't be mine! I looked down just be certain, seeing the wispy hairs of my bush peeking beyond my nipples.

"That depends, Tim....well, it depends on what I'll get out of it." I heard him laugh and make a rude remark. "Very funny. And I know what you'll get out of it. Another notch on your belt. But it means a lot more to me." I knew I was going over there. I could feel myself getting wetter at the thought of his cock shoving into me. He was playing with me and I was letting him.

"Seriously? What do I want? Okay. Here's the deal: I want you to show me the ropes...no you idiot, not show me your ropes...eeewww. Shit. I want to know what you do with those pictures and movies."

He went silent for a moment, trying to understand what I was asking.

"You want to make movies? Shit, I can show you that."

He wasn't getting it. "Not just show me how to make movies -- I think I can figure that out," boy was I wrong on that one, "I'm talking about how you make money off that shit."

One hand had drifted down to my triangle, the middle finger playing with the wet opening it found there. As he babbled on, I stroked myself lightly, the thought I would be giving it up for some information only adding to my feeling of naughtiness. I was being bad. Really bad and I knew if my folks could hear me, I would be in such shit. My nail grazed my clit shooting lightning bolts into my brain.

"Are you playing with yourself?"

His question caught me by surprise, embarrassing me. How could he have known? Did I moan? "What are you talking about?" The best defense is a good offense.

"You just made a noise, 'sall. Sounded like you might have been stroking yourself. Were you?"

I laughed and told him to fuck off.

"So, is it a deal? I'll throw dinner in. We'll hang out, I'll show you the way I do things, have a few, and then we'll fuck like bunnies."

This was it. The proverbial brass ring. Down to brass tacks. Time to show some brass. My thoughts raced and I saw the mirror-woman retreat, her hands pulling in, her back curling a little. I sat on the bed, breathing softly. "Yeah. Okay. I'll come by around 6:30."

"6:30. Why wait? You busy? Come on by as soon as you can." He didn't wait for an answer, leaving me protesting softly to a silent line.

"Shit."

I didn't put a lot of thought into what I'd wear -- it wouldn't be on me for very long, and I didn't spend much time with makeup or my hair. It felt a little like an audition, but then, I'd already had my audition and apparently I got the part. I wasn't sure how I was going to get over there. I didn't want to take the car, but I wasn't sure how long I'd be. I could walk or ride my bike -- it would take forever and I'd be trapped there. I looked up the bus route checking how late the final bus would pick me up. 1AM.

I decided to ride my bike; either he could drive me home or I'd leave by 1AM. I didn't think it would go over too well with my father if I stayed the night, but then again, I wasn't about to tell my parents what I was really doing. I shoved a camera and a notebook in my backpack and quickly made my exit before I could think about any of it too much.

"I'll be home really late -- probably after 1AM. Don't wait up. I'll call if I'm not coming home. I'm getting together with some of the guys from work." They asked a bunch of dumb questions. "Yes, of course I'll be careful. It's not too far -- I'm riding my bike. I'll take the bus or have one of 'em drive me home. Okay...love you too!"

I remember trying not to think too hard about what I was about to do. There was no question in my mind that I was going to be a pornographer. I could see the path into the future, almost as clearly as the first vision I'd had the week before. The steps were obvious, the timeline so clear I could almost draw it. I could see how much work there was and it didn't seem all that difficult. Why should giving up a little bit of skin be so hard?

For the past three years I had thought about this moment, wondering who I'd do it with, what it would be like. I started to work up a sweat, speeding through back streets, feeling my blood pumping, trying to believe my racing heart was from the physical exertion and not the rising anxiety.

* - * - *

"Hey! You made it early!" He opened the door dressed only in his sweatpants, his gorgeous chest and abs greeting me.

I had ridden over during the hottest part of the day. Sweat was beading up on my forehead, my underarms were soaking my t-shirt and I could feel the wetness on my thighs, but whether that was from sweat or arousal I couldn't tell. I looked down below his waist and thought I could see the head of his cock pushing against the fabric. Or it could have been my imagination. I looked up to see him smiling at me.