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To recap, in case you missed my earlier posts: I have a wonderful gay uncle who has been a great role model to me as a young gay man. I'm 22, he's 51, but as adults we've always gotten along as equals. He's shown me how to be a masculine man without being toxic, how to be gay and part of a larger queer community. He's introduced me to drag queens, marched with me at pride, took me to a gay bar for the first time, and generally helped me feel safe to be myself. I guess I've always had a little crush on him, but that sort of exploded about a week ago when I accidentally discovered that he does porn.
Not just any porn, either. He mainly plays with younger guys, often in a dom/sub fashion, usually in a Daddy/boy style, but occasionally in an uncle/nephew scene. Needless to say, I signed up to his fans page and started shooting a lot of loads.
And like an idiot, I made use of the messaging feature in the site, and I guess I must have implied a few things that hit too close to home, because he somehow figured out that it was me.
There were so many reactions I could have expected- anger, disgust, rejection. Of course, deep in my heart I hoped he would say that he wanted me to come be one of his boys, to do in reality what he often acted out in fantasy for the camera. I didn't have high hopes for that though, because before he figured out who I was he counselled me not to try and pursue real-life incest, saying that it was not at all like the fantasies in porn.
I got the scariest possible reaction though: he said we needed to sit down and talk, and refused to elaborate or give any indication about what he was thinking or feeling. I felt heartbroken even though I didn't even know what he wanted to say to me. But I agreed to meet him at his apartment the next evening.
I was distracted all day again at work the next day, but now instead of lust for my uncle I was worried I'd damaged my wonderful relationship like him, as he'd warned me. Again my supervisor at the warehouse noticed my lack of focus and wasn't impressed, but was kind enough to just give me some tedious work away from any heavy machinery.
When I got home from work, my heart still heavy in my chest, I had a quick light meal and started giving myself a decent douche. I felt kind of stupid Sancaktepe Escort doing it, knowing that it was most likely pointless, but now that the cat was out of the bag I figured I might as well be prepared for that one-in-a-million possibility. I picked out some nice clothes- clothes I might wear on a date, and put on a sexy jockstrap underneath. When I looked in the mirror, I actually felt pretty good. If he was going to let me down, at least I'd look handsome doing it. I put on a dab of cologne, not too much, just enough to leave a hint.
By the time I parked in front of Uncle Neil's house I was shaking. I took a moment to steady myself, to relax, and then walked up the steps to his front door and rang the bell.
When he answered it, I was amused to see that he looked well-dressed too, as if we were going out for dinner or something. A nice button-up shirt and black slacks, and a heavy silver watch. He had a serious look on his face.
"Come on in, kiddo," he said, not knowing that this nickname gave me butterflies in my stomach. I stepped inside.
He got us each a beer, and we sat on his couch, on either end of it like the start of an awkward hookup. He tried to look comfortable and failed. I did the same.
"So... you've been enjoying the site?" he asked, almost casually, as if I were a random fan. I smirked, then stifled it.
"Yes. A lot, if I'm being honest."
"Good. And yeah, let's be honest. We've always been honest with each other. Even about difficult things."
"Okay. I agree."
"So you've been liking the site."
"Yes," I reiterated, wondering if he realized he just asked me that.
"What do you like about it?"
I tried not to squirm.
"Well... a lot of the scenes are really hot. I like older guys, so seeing a young guy and an older guy together turns me on. A lot of the scenes are really passionate... it's like there's no camera there, you're just having fun. I thought the cuddling scene was really sweet.... Some of the rougher stuff, well... I like it, in moderation." I stopped, realizing I was rambling, and decided to sum up. "Anyways, it's the kind of porn I usually like to watch."
"Hmm. Okay." He nodded slowly. "So I guess it was inevitable that you stumbled on my Escort Sancaktepe stuff eventually."
"Honestly, yeah."
"And when you found it, your reaction was to..."
I blushed, took a sip of my beer.
"I didn't mean to- I mean, I found it by accident-"
"And when you found it by accident, that led you down the path to signing up for my fans page to see more."
I bowed my head, suddenly feeling ashamed.
"Look... Jackson, I'm sorry. I don't mean to make you feel embarrassed about it. I just want to really understand what's going on here. This is pretty serious, we have to figure this out together."
"I know," I said quietly.
"Jackson... I'm okay with the fact that you find me... attractive. In fact, I have no qualms that fantasize about me, or that you sign up to my page to watch me having sex. All of that... that's in your own personal fantasy life. Please don't feel ashamed about it. If it makes you feel any better, well... I guess you've figured out that you're my type. If we're being fully honest with each other right now, I've had sexual fantasies about you."
I looked up, a little stunned. It has never occurred to me that he thought about me that way. But like he said, your fantasy life is its own thing, separate from the real world.
"Oh," I said. "That's... thank you." Thanking him seemed odd, but it did feel like a compliment.
"But like I said before, when it comes to family... the fantasy life is nothing like the reality. Even if both of us were... you know, gung-ho... well, it might make things awkward afterwards."
"I get that, but... why?"
"Why will it be awkward?"
"Well, it doesn't have to be, does it? We're gay men. We have sex with platonic friends, and it can just be about sex without getting weird. You told me once that having sex with someone shouldn't carry any more moral weight than going to the movies with them. You're just spending quality time with someone and having fun."
That seemed to catch him off guard. I hadn't meant to throw his own words back at him, but here we were.
"And... really, what would it harm? We could just be an uncle and a nephew having some fun. Nobody needs to know, it's our private lives. And it's not exactly like Sancaktepe Escort Bayan you can get me pregnant."
He nodded slowly. I didn't actually expect to convince him, but he almost looked like he was starting to agree.
"I guess... you make some good points. But regardless of all of that, our relationship will never be the same again. And I like my relationship with you. You're my guy, my gay little nephew that I take to drag shows. I've known you your whole life."
"I don't think our relationship will be changed. Not really. Maybe just added on to."
"Huh." He took a sip of beer, and looked lost in thought for a moment. He looked over at me, and down at the space between us, and it was like he suddenly realized how far apart we were.
"Come here," he beckoned, and adjusted himself to give me some room to sit next to him. I got up, taking my beer with me, and sat down- not quite touching him, but close. His presence was kind of intoxicating- he was wearing the same cologne that he'd worn at Thanksgiving. He put a hand on my shoulder and it felt like an electric shock.
"You're shaking," he observed. "You okay?"
"Yeah, I'm just... nervous."
"I get it. So am I."
I looked at him incredulously. "Really?"
"Yeah... Really. Actually, I always feel nervous with- when I'm with a guy for the first time, and it feels especially nervous with you because I know you and I'm your uncle and I don't want to fuck up what that means."
I thought about that for a second.
"To me it's always meant that you protect me, introduce me to new things, show me how to be a man. I guess... it just looked like that's what you do with your boys on camera, too. And that's what I really wanted."
He put an arm around my shoulders and held me tight, resting my face in his chest and kissing the top of the head.
"Yeah. Okay, you're right there. Sometimes I feel like I'm being a Daddy to my boys in a very similar way to how I'm an uncle to you."
Something about that triggered a sense of relief in me, and being held by him like this made me realize that he wasn't rejecting me like I feared. In fact, I felt foolish suddenly, to think that he would ever reject me.
He put a hand under my chin and gently raised my face to look at his. He looked surprised.
"Are you alright?" he asked, wiping a tear off my cheek.
"Yes," I replied, my voice cracking a little. "Actually, I'm really really good. I'm so happy."
And then I felt his hand gently cup the side of my face, and he leaned in and kissed me.